HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
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My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”