Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
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Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.