HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
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boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
fair
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!