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“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]