This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
You Might Also Like
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it