today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
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Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Whoa 😂
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?