Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
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Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
BRAKING NEWS!!
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it