I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
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This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.