Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
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Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
wtf management?!
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.