I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
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Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI鈥檚 daughter: u have a UTI
TI鈥檚 daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I鈥檓 TI
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 馃幎
Him: Mom what鈥檚 a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we鈥檙e lovers?
Stranger:馃槼
WHY?!
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I鈥檒l be waiting in the car
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks