A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
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Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
When libraries troll their patrons.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life