Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
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I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Usage Guidelines
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.