As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
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Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
new year update: losing everything but weight
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.