Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
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Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”