In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
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ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
“I’m helping” 😅
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?