I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
You Might Also Like
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.