Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
You Might Also Like
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?