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To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.