Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
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Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”