TEETH IS INNOCENT
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grotesque if literal: baby food
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Butt weight. There’s more!
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
definitely did not do anything wrong