First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
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Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Would you wear it?
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
gentlemen, hear me out
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined