My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
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“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.