This is my brand.
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sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.