I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
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wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea