Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
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“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
i want the dreams to chase me for once
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?