My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
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If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.