QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
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I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
figuring out my emotional availability:
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Yup
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.