It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
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“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
LA today:
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones