The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
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me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.