If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
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this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.