It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
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After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
[canadians at you, canadianly]
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
canadian assassins are called killergrams
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.