Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
You Might Also Like
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.