Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
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I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
This could’ve been an email.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.