*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
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Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Okay me first
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
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