me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
You Might Also Like
Whoa 😂
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Lol
Natty or not?
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
This squirrel eats better than I do
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut