At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
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Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does