My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
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The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
No. YOU-buprofen.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases