“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
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Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
i did the math
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]