I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
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“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok