Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
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Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”