Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
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You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Its a hippotatomus
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”