home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
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My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave