[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
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rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
It’s a gift
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan