her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
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Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
I’d hang this in my house.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs