HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
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Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
My dog ate my work from home.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
i will not be silenced
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
My blood type is coffee.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
This is the one
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.