Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
You Might Also Like
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.