“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
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glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
5 ways to appear taller
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably