[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
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St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Doggies just call it style.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?