(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
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Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.