5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
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You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
My wedding will be open casket.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank